Saturday, May 14, 2011

Seven ideas (Daily Photo 5.14.11)

Like it? 

Idea for novel: Like "Twilight" except the vampire and werewolf are fighting over which fork to use with salad.

Idea for joke: Two dolphins are swimming along together. One dolphin says to the other dolphin, "EEEEEEECK! [click click] EEEEECK!" then swims off.

Idea for script: "Emmanuelle vs. Godzilla."

Idea for joke: Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What can I get you?" Guy says, "Scotch rocks," because he's in denial about his alcoholism.

Idea for novel: Like "Twilight" except it takes place at voke-tech and the girl is torn between a boy who wants to be a plumber and a boy who's taking HVAC.

Idea for product: Invent cat pajamas. Think of a good slogan.

Idea for joke: A traveling salesman is driving through the country on his way to Omaha when his car breaks down. He walks to a farmhouse and asks the farmer if he can spend the night there. Farmer says, "You can spend the night in the barn, but you better not be sleeping with my beautiful daughter. Six feet tall. Blonde hair. Tits out to here. But nobody can ever touch her!" Waggling a finger for emphasis. Later, under cover of night, the traveling salesman sneaks out of the barn past the mutter of sleeping livestock, his stocking feet soaking up dew as he slips toward the house silent as the breeze. He climbs into a window to the farmer's daughter's room, and she's even more gorgeous than the farmer described. They make passionate love -- the union of two lonely souls. The farmer never catches them together, and the next morning the traveling salesman leaves for Omaha. Several months later, the farmer's daughter starts showing her pregnancy. The farmer is horrified and tells his daughter she's a disgrace before God and not fit to live under his roof. She packs a suitcase and buys a bus ticket to Chicago. She gets a job waitressing at a Greek restaurant and the owner lets her sleep in the pantry at night. Soon the owner and his wife take pity on the farmer's daughter and they give her an advance on her pay, so she can rent a cheap apartment from a cousin of theirs. The farmer's daughter's belly grows heavy with child. Still, she works hard and comes to an arrangement with her employer and landlord so she can pay her rent and accrue some savings. Months pass. Eventually she goes into labor mid-shift, is rushed to a hospital, and gives birth to a beautiful blonde girl. She calls her father, the farmer, to tell him the news and that she's named the girl after her dearly departed mother -- but the farmer wants nothing to do with her, still stricken with shame. The farmer's daughter and her girl live frugally but as five years pass, then ten, their economic situation improves and they can breathe more easily and move into a better apartment. The farmer's daughter's looks begin to fade with the constant toil and stress of financial hardship, but in her more lighthearted moments a trace of the beauty she once possessed resurfaces briefly. The girl grows tall and excels at school. She has many friends, since she is a sociable child and loves to laugh. She plays the violin and sometimes tells people she wants to become a veterinarian, though secretly she dreams bigger and her mother suspects this and encourages it. The girl is vaguely curious about who her father is, and her mother, the farmer's daughter, tells her the truth: simply that when they'd met, he was the kindest man she'd ever known and that they'd never met again. The farmer's daughter has, by this point, long since given up hope of ever communicating with her father again, and has made a sad but firm peace with this fact. Their life has been a struggle financially and emotionally, and she's frustrated that her father's stubbornness and poor health habits will see him dead before he ever meets his lovely and talented and emotionally stable granddaughter -- but the farmer's daughter never once regrets having left behind her sheltered past and her controlling and ignorant father, and having created a meaningful and satisfying life of her own in the city. The traveling salesman has, by now, been dead of venereal disease for some time.

2 comments:

Erin said...

That last one's a real knee-slapper, Dan!

funderson said...

Oh my good lord you crack me up...
Please, never get a real job again just for my own amusement.

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