Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The dog's bollocks (Daily Photo 5.17.11)

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Stanley is neutered, and has been for about 5 years. You should know that before I go on.

So today we're in the kitchen, Nik & I and Stanley, standing around very leisurely and talking about the crappy weather. At some point, Nik looks down at Stanley and says, "What's with his back?" Dog's standing there with his back arched. And his stomach and hindquarters are sort of convulsing or something. To be honest, with his spine bent and his bum wiggling, it looks like he's trying to take a shit in my kitchen. He's fully housebroken, so I immediately think he's sick. His hips look like they're spasming. Then I see that he's got a boner, and he's humping the air.

On an average day, Stanley doesn't have a big'un. So I notice the difference. Also, he's never humped anything before. Now he's humping nothing.

"He's got, like, kind of a boner," I say. I whisper the word: "boner." So he won't hear me.

His little hips are going, humping the air. His front half isn't doing anything special. This goes on for some time while Nik & I decide what to do. We figure he'll stop after a minute or so, but he doesn't. Just keeps air-humping.

Nik decides to give him a cookie. The idea, I guess, is that he'll be distracted and calm down. He waddles over, still humping, and eats it.

"Maybe cheese," she says, and gives him a piece of cheese.  He eats the cheese, his hips still moving back and forth. So now he's basically getting rewarded for having an erection.

"You're a guy," she says. "How do you handle this?"

I say I don't know. I don't hump the air like that. "And the times you get a boner uncontrollably, it's pretty much only in the mornings."

"We'll walk it off," she says.

So we lead Stanley out to the yard. We figure moving around might help, and plus it's cold out. But he can't really run around because he looks uncomfortable doing that with an erection. Instead, he just stands in the grass with his back up, humping. His back half is busy, but his front half is perfectly normal. He starts munching some grass, humping the whole time. He appears to have very little, if any, idea that something's wrong. He's so innocent that he's got a raging hardon with no clue how to use it.

We're not sure if we should call the vet. I don't know what they can do -- but I've heard when you have a Viagra erection that lasts more than 4 hours, you should call a doctor. This is similar.

"You're going to have to talk to them," Nik says, "because I don't think I can explain this over the phone."

"I'm sure he'll stop," I say. "He kind of just needs to rub one out." Myrna stands nearby and sniffs Stanley's dick while he keeps humping and chewing grass. "Myrna, help him out," I say. Normally I think of Myrna and Stanley as "brother and sister," even though they're not. But now I'm sort of hoping she'll take one for the team so he can relax. But also I don't want this at all. She walks away, and I'm both irritated and relieved.

Many minutes pass. No change. Stanley hobbles around and humps, apparently not 100% realizing he's doing it, but knowing that something is happening. It occurs to me that he could do this for a long time. Because he's not actually fucking anything -- his dick isn't touching anything. I start hoping that he'll just get it over with and come already. But also I don't want this at all, because I find the idea extremely nasty. But if he does, I'm glad he's now in the yard and not in my kitchen. I figure if he just finishes, he can go lie down and take a nap like anybody else.

More minutes pass, and by now we're in the house and he's still outside, sniffing a hyacinth bush and humping. He's got stamina, anyway. Then Nik knocks on the window to call him back in the house, and he looks up at us and runs in.

"He can run," she says. "That's a good sign."

When Stanley gets back in the house, he's not humping anymore and he's back to normal. Something broke the spell. We pet him, very gingerly. So he won't get excited. I know that basically it's purely a chemical reaction and he had his humping spell out of instinct, but I've barely been able to look him in the eye since.

5 comments:

Aunty Robin and Aunty Sue said...

Yes?! But what was it?!

Dan said...

I wish I knew -- so I be sure it Never ... Happens ... Again.

Dan said...

*I could be sure*

Colin said...

Thanks Dan. Thanks.

kristen said...

After following some of the hump-fest on twitter, this made me laugh out loud. Thanks Dan.

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