Friday, November 05, 2010

The answers to all your questions, Part 3

Like it? 
* Incidentally, it's come to my attention that a writer named Chuck Wendig at TerribleMinds.com does a very similar kind of thing, except he calls it "search term bingo." It's a very fun and interesting blog, and his take on this is pretty hilarious. Please go there and check out his posts.

Let's hear it for old traditions making a comeback! Back in 2007 and 2008, I wrote some pieces for this blog examining the strange search terms people use to find this blog.* There are a lot of depraved son-of-a-bitches curious people out there with access to Teh Google and questions -- vital questions that need answering. Their searches lead them here, but who knows if they leave with the answers they so desperately seek?  The Internet can be a labyrinth of misinformation. I'd like to shave off a turn or two of that labyrinth by digging up some of these Google searches and trying to help these people if I can. By the way, Labyrinth -- am I right? Hah? Muppets?

Without further ado:

• Antwerp, Belgium, "gramma fonzie": A lot of people come here looking for information on Fonzie. So we're clear, I don't know Henry Winkler or anyone involved in the production of Happy Days. I've never been to Milwaukee.  I don't wear a leather jacket -- not because of any moral allergy to leather, but because I frankly have neither the physique nor haircut to pull it off fashion-wise.

But I do know that Fonzie had a grandmother: Grandma Nussbaum. She appears in a few episodes. Which means that Fonzie is possibly part-Jewish, which increases the likelihood that the penis Fonzie stuck into so many willing, silent, bobby-socks'd Milwaukee girl-puddles was a circumcised penis. Now that you've learned that, you can't unlearn it. Happy days, indeed.

Wikipedia fact, Antwerp: "Grandma Nussbaum (and she alone) calls Fonzie 'Skippy.'"

Case: CLOSED


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Folly Beach, South Carolina, "fonzie saying aaah": Fonzie's famous catchphrase was not "aaah."  It was "aaay."  In fact, that's not even a catchphrase because it's more a groan of self-satisfied contentment than an actual word.

Fonzie only said "aaah" when he visited the dentist. And not even then, because we all remember that episode where Fonzie had a bad toothache but was too cool to go to the dentist, however of course as the plot cleverly unfolded it became clear that his heroic tolerance of what was apparent to everyone quite severe maxillofacial pain and standoffishness toward dentistry was simply a cover for Fonzie's abject terror thereof -- another in a long line of examples in Happy Days where we (the audience) peer behind the leather veil so to speak, see that beneath Fonzie's overcompensating ultramasculinity lurks a scared and emotionally wounded boy using machismo as a shield against further psychological damage, that very shield itself being a damaging influence in that it keeps Fonzie from feeling genuine closeness toward others unless a kind of bullying paternalism where Fonzie seeks ever-greater amounts of control over others' behavior, i.e. his constant finger-snapping commands to women and demands that confidantes enter "his office," that being sadly a public bathroom in a cruel irony, that paternalism only increasing his emotional distance from friends and, again, in cyclical fashion, reinforcing the machismo shield that is both his defense against psychological pain and its enabler. That was in '81, the Ted McGinley years.

Case: CLOSED

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Dallas, Texas, "upscale smores": This search brought a Dallas reader to this post, a taste test I wrote in 2008 about s'mores flavored nacho chips. It didn't go well.

You know who makes upscale s'mores? Cosi. It's like this fancy-ass coffee shop. You can make your own s'mores over a sterno can, like a pu-pu platter. I did that once in Philadelphia and it was awesome. Costs a lot for crackers and chocolate, but that's the "upscale" part.

There isn't a Cosi in Dallas. I suggest you move. Yes, just for the s'mores. Look how fucking delicious that looks.

Case: CLOSED

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• Nyiregyhaza, Szabolcs-Szatmár-Bereg, "mister hemör": To be honest, I included this one as a typing challenge for myself. I don't know what you're looking for or what kind of fucked-up gutter language that purports to be. I mean Jesus Christ. From the look of it, it sounds like a Klingon screaming underwater. If I had to write and speak shit like that all day I'd reconsider living wherever the hell this is.

Case: OPEN

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Bordeaux, Aquitaine, France, "big black clito": I assume that's a typo and you're looking for pictures of a big black ladypart. If you're trying to find a picture of that anywhere on the Internet, you've come to the wrong place. You'll find that on any woman it's still sort of pinkish.

Case: CLOSED

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Birmingham, Alabama, "'not a wall--he hadn't hit a wall. It was something. An animal'": Curiously enough, Birmingham searched for this in quotes. These phrases are found verbatim in a short story I wrote maybe 10 years ago or more, sold to a literary magazine, and then republished here, called "Frank Xing."  It's a strange little story about a drowsy guy who's driving on a dark, deserted stretch of highway and accidentally hits Frank Sinatra.  I'm willing to believe I'm not the only person who's written those words in that order, but I'm probably the only person who's written that story.

What's curiouser is that someone in Birmingham searched for this exact phrase four times. I checked. Do you want to use that clump of phrases? Is that why you're obsessed with it? Go ahead -- it's pretty damn expository. Not exactly got an authorial stamp on it like fucking what light through yonder window breaks. You can't have the story but you can take that clump of phrases. Knock yourself out.

What's even curiouser: trying to search it myself, I see Google turns up no results. Maybe even I don't own that clump of phrases. Yet I see it in the story. It's there. But if it's not on Google it doesn't exist, does it? Do I even exist? Do you? Does Birmingham? I've never been there. It may be a myth for all I know. Frank Sinatra no longer exists, so that's one of us fucked.

Case: ???

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Colombo, Sri Lanka, "buttocks massage video": I'm not sure how this query led to this blog. I've never posted a video involving buttocks massage. I've never recorded a video of buttocks massage, either -- not even privately. I've never felt the need.

I find, however, that generally when one massages buttocks it's best to start from the cleft and work one's way down the natural slope of the buttock, rather than fight gravity by beginning underneath and attempting to circle back over and up the buttock. It only makes sense. It's also advisable to avoid the cavity lurking between the buttocks unless both parties have first enjoyed a meal and at least 30 minutes of pleasant conversation and have a mutually agreed-upon safeword.

There are plenty of videos out there involving buttocks being massaged. I won't link to them because they're easily enough found, and also poo comes out of there.

Case: CLOSED

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Dayton, Ohio, "youtube brother and sister compare feet videos": With an S. Meaning there's more than one.

I tried searching YouTube for this and came up short. I can tell you this: I did find a video described as being a man sucking his sister's toes. I did not watch it. I don't watch things like that. I turned off the computer entirely and ran away from it until I felt better about the world.

Moving right along, I would postulate that since brothers and sisters share a significant amount of genetic code, any comparison between their feet would reveal striking similarities.  It's likely the sister's feet would be a shade smaller, perhaps with painted toenails. Unless the brother is into that kind of thing and also has painted toenails.  Maybe they even match. You know what? I don't like where this is headed. I've made myself extremely uncomfortable now.

Case: CLOSED

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Lexington, Massachusetts, "manscaping groin area recommendation": Don't.

Case: CLOSED

2 comments:

Andrew Whitacre said...

It's worth pointing out that you went to the same school as Henry Winkler...not just once but twice.

What do you have hide, aaay?

funderson said...

HA! This cracked me up. Thanks!
Also, not sure if I've already told you this, but Mr. Winkler asked me where the movie theatres were when I worked in a mall. I told him and the dorks down the hall the the photo-mat yelled "aaay" as he passed...of course....

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