Tuesday, November 03, 2009

More plastic wrap than the human mind can comfortably perceive

Like it? 

The waiting is over -- the anticipation, the suspense, the worry. My wife and I finally got to the end of our colossal roll of plastic wrap.

We've had this roll of plastic wrap for a long time. At least 5 years. I remember packing it with us when we moved out of our last apartment and into our house, and we've been here for ages now. It may have even been with us in the apartment before that.

No surprise, either, and we're not stingy with plastic wrap -- it was just a big roll. One of those jumbo rolls you get for restaurants or catering companies. Two thousand square feet of plastic wrap. More than the living space in many people's homes.

I don't remember where we bought the damn thing. The brand is "Executive Choice," which is pleasant to say. It's got that ironically highbrow name common to so many off-brand products, as if men and women with dark suits and gleaming hair and briefcases and Audis and foreign help and six-figure salaries pick this and only this kind of plastic wrap to pack their spoiled, sullen, entitled children's sandwiches when they go off to their academy for the day. They wouldn't let the neighbors catch them dead with Reynolds in the kitchen -- using Executive Choice plastic wrap is just one of the many perks when you're an engine of the American economy.

So but anyway, we had this massive roll of plastic wrap for years until today, when my wife used the last of it. We were not dreading the end, because we knew we had another big-sized roll of plastic wrap "somewhere in the closet." This is what happens when you buy things in bulk -- you end up with massive quantities of staple goods "somewhere in the closet." We weren't sure the size or brand or what have you -- we were just always sure that there was more plastic wrap somewhere on hand if we needed it.

We took out the replacement plastic wrap today and only really looked at it for the first time since we got it. It's bigger than we remember. Huge. It's huger than huge -- it's fucking enormous. You ready for the pictures?

You thought we had a lot of plastic wrap before, kid? This one measures 18 inches by 2,000 feet -- that's 3,000 square feet of clingy plastic film. That's 0.07 of an acre.

I don't remember where the hell we got this one, either. It's not even Executive Choice. It's "AEP Food Service Film." No pretentiousness. This is industrial-grade PVC film. No pretty colors on the box, no illustrations of sandwiches or salads. Where the hell would we have picked this up? I've never owned a restaurant. I may have gotten it from my dad, who has been known to pilfer things from companies he's worked for when they're not looking, like cartons of paper clips, buffet-length tables, and computers.

We can't even fit the roll of plastic wrap in our kitchen drawers. Both of us stared at it, stunned, and my wife started muttering that she has to rearrange the cupboards under the sink.

I guess we wrap a lot of food. I plan on using it to wrap sandwiches for work. Often I take two sandwiches at a time, so that'll help. Maybe we'll cover a roast chicken. Those can be kind of big sometimes. It's not inconceivable that I could cover my entire yard with it, like a big glaze, or pave over the driveway so I don't have to shovel when it snows -- I can just lift up the plastic wrap and I have a fresh, clean driveway underneath it. Hell, winter's coming. Why not?


Andrew W said...

That's an incredible accomplishment. I've never finished a roll--not because I don't use it but because the flimsy cardboard box gets decimated by my five-thumbed hand trying to tear off pieces of plastic wrap.

Lybbe said...

Ohhhh - I really LIKE the idea of covering the driveway. That's a stroke of sheer brilliance. I had no idea there was shame in using Reynolds - I still have two year's worth on my giant Costco roll.

bigsam27 said...

the Executive Choice brand is from BJs.

we also have an AEP 18-incher (my god that sounds terrible) but we store it on top of the fridge. bought it at National Cash & Carry on West Street.

it also takes us a while to get through a box, but i never thought of it as .07 acres...

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