Thursday, June 12, 2008

For the last time, Gmail spammers, stop saying I "look really stupid"

Like it? 

It's been a while since I've written here. I've had my hands full sorting my Gmail spam folder. I'm separating the fake urgent missives from the deposed prince of Nigeria that I want to chuck out from the other fake urgent missives from the deposed prince of Nigeria that I want to keep.

Something specific about spam has been pissing me off. At least once every day, I get a message with this subject:

"You look really stupid blackfonzie"

Every day, at least once.

"You look really stupid blackfonzie"

I look stupid?

Really
stupid?

I'm living my life as a decent person, not scamming people, paying the bills on time, and smiling at people in the service industry, and you tell me I look really stupid? You know what, "Cary Glenn"? Fuck you. OK? Fuck you. If that is your real name, Cary Glenn, so-called. Fuck you. "Isadore Sid?" Fuck you too. "Alex Patrice"? "Kip Juan"? "Cyrill Taffy"? "Broddy Mary"? Fuck you and you and you and you. Fuck the lot of you.

I understand it's probably a thankless job, spamming. As a profession, it's a lot like being a desperate carnival barker. You have to spend enormous amounts of energy cajoling people into watching the geek show when nobody's interested. Except you need to hand over your bank account number to get tickets. And the signage is badly misspelled. Also, the tent is made of clear vinyl, so even before you pay your money you can see that the freak inside is just an overweight shirtless guy, and he doesn't even have a real chicken. He's just sitting there with a phony chicken, sighing, elbows on his knees, playing with the fake feathers idly and swatting mosquitos.

But at least most spammers try to offer you some kind of service. They don't just slap you in the face for no reason.

Fake Viagra. Microsoft Office 89% off. Replica Cartier watches. Upgrade your organ. At least these people have some kind of deal going on. They want to sell you something. They're trying to establish a "merchant-customer relationship." As if they're saying, "Good morrow! Would you like to cum like a river, sir?" And by deleting these messages, it's like I'm tipping my hat and saying, "No, thanks anyway." See how easy it is? See how inoffensive that type of transaction can be? How polite? I'm fine with that. And maybe one day if on the off-chance I decide I do want a "man-cannon," I'll know where to go straightaway: Rufus Sanchez, apparently. It's just good business.

But what's this sending me unsolicited insults via e-mail? I look "really stupid"? What the hell, man? What did I ever do to Janus Choong-H? I doubt I've ever even met him! Maybe if Janus got to know me as a person instead of lambasting me first, he'd think I was cool! Every so often someone does, you know!

You know what? I think Janus Choong-H is a "really stupid" name, if I'm being truthful! Up yours!

These "You look really stupid blackfonzie" messages never even contain a hint, a whisper, of the source of their ire toward me. Only non-clickable links to .EXE files. Being a longtime Mac user, I can't read .EXE files. So these dickheads can't even give me a proper virus, for Chrissake.

Maybe it's me. I don't know -- maybe I come off the wrong way. I fully admit that I've never made much of an effort to be friendly to spammers. I'll just have to try those links on my work PC. Maybe I can send them some examples of my work and a few pleasant stabs at jocularity, to give them a different impression of me as a nicer, smarter person. Then who'll look stupid?
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