Tuesday, August 12, 2008

How to be a healthy man: 3 quick tips

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* according to the May 2007 issue of Men's Health magazine, which I was stuck reading cover-to-cover in my barber's waiting room in July 2008 (and yes, I'm aware of the significant time discrepancy there).

You are a man! Unless you're a woman. But otherwise, you are a man! But if only men knew how to behave. Someday, we'll invent a male-mother-type person who will provide a good example for you as you grow older. Until then, Men's Health magazine fills in that crucial void between infancy and adulthood where you have no idea how to express your masculinity beyond the usual way (into an old sock).

These are three actual tips on maleness and health, according to Men's Health, May 2007:

1. Buy a cow.

Presumably you have to eat every day, right? And you eat only cow meat, right? Except for vegetarians and people with heart conditions and people who tend to eat balanced diets? But let's not confuse the issue -- you eat only cow meat. According to Men's Health, May 2007, the most economical way to feed yourself is to "buy your own cow."

It's not as weird as it sounds. The rest of the article doesn't suggest keeping livestock yourself. That would just be crazy! No, you're advised by Men's Health, May 2007, to get together with several other cow-meat-loving men (presumably middle-manager-in-finance types also in Men's Health's demographic) and all pool your money together to buy a cow from a local farm. Then you have it killed to provide all of you with cow-meat steaks. One way to kill the cow would be to read to it from Men's Health, May 2007, until it dies of boredom.

It's simple and economical! In fact, cow-meat steaks of the grade that you, as a middle-manager-in-finance reading Men's Health, would normally eat cost about $9 a pound in the grocery store. Buying your own cow costs "$2.69 a pound."

2. Hire the right person for the job.

If you're in a middle-managerial sort of position in finance, it's a bit scary conducting job interviews, isn't it? You're holding someone's career and potentially your own and the fate of your company in your hands. This person across the gray conference table from you has a family, or may be starting one, and has an entire life of experiences beyond your conference room. Will he show up on time? Will he be ambitious, or just slide by? How much can you really know a person, based on a simple resume and half-hour chat? How will you be sure this person will be good for your company?

Fuck that shit. Here's what Men's Health, May 2007, says about hiring people:

"He smiles way too much. What's he smiling about? Is he listening to some sardonic voice that only he can hear? ... One day, when the stakes are high, this greasy stoat will rear up on his hind legs and hurt you, unless you strike him down first."

Good to know! You might also want to force your interviewee's arm behind his back until it pops out of his shoulder joint, then when he's on the floor writhing in pain, urinate on him. That should illustrate your company's management structure.

3. Respect the ladies.

No matter what you may think, Mr. Middle-Manager-in-Finance-at-whom-Men's-Health-is-Pitched: women are not just a collection of hard-to-reach spots guaranteed to make her beg for more when you interact with them (i.e., the spots). Women are not just high-maintenance shrews so emotionally devious that you need a columnist's advice to keep their high-flown wedding plans at bay. Women are not just put on God's green earth to prance around in a bikini, selling you expensive vodka.

Women are also smart! It's very, very weird but true! Men's Health, May 2007, has the science to back it up. This is a quote:

"A woman's brain is, in fact, roughly 10 percent smaller than a man's."


"But ... women's brains contain the same number of neurons; they're just packaged together more firmly and tightly, like breasts in a bustier."

Women's personalities, it should be noted, are also pretty much like men's personalities, except they're longer and shaplier in the calf and thigh areas -- and their hopes and fears are the same, too, just much more pinchable and they tend to sculpt their pubic regions.

Using these quick tips, it should be fairly easy to go from simply having a penis, a Y chromosome, and an asshole with hair on it to being a healthy man in American society today. That said, please direct all complaints to: Men's Health.

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