Friday, March 07, 2008

Which fringe candidate are you?

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Hello! Are you one of the fringe candidates for president of the United States of America? Take this handy quiz and find out!

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Your likes:

• building kitchens and baths
• winning the war on terror
• Arctic drilling
• complaining about the "legal system"

Your dislikes: You're upset mainly about how many lawyers there are in politics -- for instance, "The Judiciary Branch is made up of 100% attorneys."

Presidential experience: "To mention one, a 6000 square foot home built for a nationally prominent individual was one of seven projects in Texas to receive a design award from the Texas Society of Architects. An unsuccessful competitor on this project later built the home of President George Bush."

You are: Vern Wuensche! You are Texan and support the teaching of "intelligent design." You'd also allow "teaching by recognized experts with no education degree" and are considering abolishing the Department of Education. You like the flat tax, hate immigrants, and have a last name that looks to be pronounced "wench," or possibly "wenchy."

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Your likes:
• running for president, over and over and over
• chatting about fundamentalist Christian ethics
• not much else

Your dislikes:
• the "gay agenda"
• gay people
• the gays

Presidential experience: You say it best: "We think economics is about money. No, it's not. If you really understood it, you'd realize money is not economics." Also, about pornography: "People think that it's about homosexuals, but it's not."

You are: Alan Keyes! A perennial Republican candidate, you were some sort of underling in the Reagan administration. You enjoy referring to yourself, mysteriously, as "Dr. Keyes." You seem to have trouble finding 5,000 people to sign a "pledge" on your Website, but tout a reputation as a persuasive orator.

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Your likes:
• writing poetry
• "playing fair"
• being thoughtful

Your dislikes:
• nuclear weapons ("zero tolerance")
• "drug lords"
• abortion, sort of, but not really

Presidential experience: You "seem to care about the United States and the world as well." You have "some thoughtful ideas for our country." You've also run for office several times, including the presidency, and got "26,000 votes one time."

You are: Ole Savior! You are a progressive but not, you know, rude about it. You think gas should cost 99 cents again and that people shouldn't be poor. You say if people can't afford prescriptions, the pharmacy should just shrug its shoulders and give medicine away for free instead. Also, you're not sure how any of these things will occur.

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Your likes:
• kicking ass
• taking names
• making your own rules

Your dislikes:
• the Iraq war
• suppression of free speech
• The Man

Presidential experience: You're pretty familiar with the Founding Fathers, and you bandy about terms like "totalitarian oligarchy" with impunity. Then there's the ass-kicking. It's been said of you, "Watch out for his feet. He can kill you with his feet."



You are: Tom Laughlin, from the movie "Billy Jack"! Your first order of business as president: get out of Iraq. You plan to do this by putting on a denim jacket, Native American hat, no shoes, flying to Iraq and giving every al-Qaida terrorist a roundhouse kick to the face until the whole lot of them leave town. You can do it, too. You've been ganged up on by at least a dozen men and they've tasted the sweet fury of your heels. You have my vote. Just don't beat me up. Please, Billy Jack. Please.

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