Friday, February 08, 2008

John McCain wants to grab you in his tiny, splayed fingers

Like it? 
John McCain does his best to control his little problem -- grabbing people with his tiny, splayed little fingers.

He sits and broods about it sometimes if he can't grab somebody really good.

It's his favorite thing to do, to grab hold of someone in his fingers and feel them wriggle in his little white hands. But his people keep telling him, "No, John McCain! Let that person go! You just can't grab people the way you do! You can't! You mustn't!"

So he tries to be sneaky about it.

But when John McCain wants to grab you with his tiny, splayed little knuckly fingers, and he can't, John McCain gets agitated, like a ravenous, caged beast, and needs to calm himself down.

But it's never long before the craving sets in again.

And then John McCain must give in to the temptation to grab you with his tiny little dwarfishly small little grabbing, clutching hands -- must give in, I say, to the raging monster buried deep within his impish fingers and compels him to grab, grab, grab.

You may not think it's all that terrible, being grabbed by John McCain.

The fools! Some actually seek out his awkward little hands, unaware of the terrible, terrible consequences that befalls them when they're held fast in John McCain's iron grip.

Yes, when you're on the business end of those wee little fingers, and they grow, and grow, and grow, as they get closer and closer to you, grasping and clutching and squeezing, you too will rue the day.

Men stronger and more powerful than you have found themselves laid low when grabbed in John McCain's gnarled little splayed-finger grasp.

John McCain pretends like it's "not a problem," his little grabbing issue.

He tells his friends, "I don't need to grab people. I could stop just like that if I wanted to."

"I just don't want to. I just like to grab people," John McCain tells himself, in a vain and fruitless attempt to reassure himself that he doesn't have a grabbing problem -- when clearly, yes, he does.

In public, when John McCain grabs someone, his people try their best to hold him back.

They warn people -- try to keep poor unsuspecting innocents away from John McCain's nibbling, squeezing, clutching, elvishly small little tiny fingers as best they can.

But it is difficult with the crowds. Oh yes. Very difficult.

And when he starts to grab, John McCain cannot be stopped -- will not be stopped, I say -- until he grabs every -- single -- one of us -- in his midgety little bony splay-fingered little dwarf hands. And then he will squeeze tighter and tighter and tighter until the demon dwelling within him that compels him to reach out with his grasping little tiny fingers and grab you is satiated.

At least, for a while.


Kelly Kirch said...

I'm so glad you're posting again!!! Missed you and thanks for the laugh.

Christine said...

Those are the hands of the man who's going to save the world!!!!

Team McCain ;)

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