Sunday, August 26, 2007

The answers to all your questions

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Having this Website is a big responsibility sometimes. Every day, people come here through bizarre Google searches, looking for the answers I don't have to questions I never knew existed. Then they leave.

These are some actual Google searches that brought people to this Website. Hopefully I can provide some real information for them.

North America, "allergic to mrs dash": This search brings you to this post on Black Fonzie, featuring a movie where I flush out my nose with a neti pot. However, it contains no information as to whether or not people can actually be allergic to Mrs. Dash.

The original flavor of Mrs. Dash contains these ingredients: "Onion, spices (black pepper, parsley, celery seed, basil, bay, marjoram, oregano, savory, thyme, cayenne pepper, coriander, cumin, mustard, rosemary), garlic, carrot, orange peel, tomato, lemon juice powder, citric acid, oil of lemon."


Anyway, if you're allergic to any of those things, I'm guessing you're allergic to Mrs. Dash.

Case: closed.

New Jersey, "how many ounces of water in neti pot": Another neti pot question!

I have a Rhino Horn neti pot that holds 10 ounces. Your face will hold significantly less.

Case: closed.

• Salem, Ore., "picture of fonzie's nephew": No, Salem, Ore., it is not this guy at right. That person with the awful haircut is Chachi Arcola, Fonzie's cousin.

Fonzie's nephew is Raymond "Spike" Fonzarelli. He appeared in four episodes and, yes, even dated Joanie once. However, due to the complicated and rather icky nature of the Fonzarelli family line, Spike was referred to in the show as both Fonzie's nephew and cousin. Because such a relationship would be a crime against nature, Spike's character was rewritten into the douchebag you see here.

Case: closed.

• McLean, Virginia, "dinosaur excrement for sale": This search referred the searcher to a column I wrote some time ago on strange eBay sales. Unfortunately, this will not help him or her if he or she is interested in purchasing fossilized dinosaur shit today.

Dino dung that has been fossilized is known as coprolite. Yes, I know it sounds a lot like "craprolite." If for some reason you really want ancient turds hanging around your house, there are Websites that sell coprolite real cheap.

Case: closed.

• United States, "hamburglar running with money picture": This search took somebody to this archive page, which doesn't contain any such picture. Probably because no such picture exists. The Hamburglar steals hamburgers. He's not interested in money.

Case: closed.

• United Kingdom, "grapefruit make poo black": This person clearly has an immediate problem that this column could not help.

I still can't help. Sir or ma'am: If you're reading this, run, do not walk, to a doctor. Assuming you can run comfortably without pooing yourself.

Case: still open.

• Greece, Buenos Aires, Argentina, Japan, "anal swine": A while ago, I interviewed Stephen Colbert, and I reprinted a transcript here, with the title "You can't spell 'news analysis' without 'anal swine.'" Ever since then, I've been getting Google searches for "anal swine" a couple of times a month.

It puzzled me until I did a brief Google search myself. Just as I suspected, it's a porno movie. Great. I'm not providing a link here, because I'm not a pornographer. The director, Rob Rotten, however, is. If you're interested in some of his other films, has him listed as being an "actor" in such cinematic timepieces as "Magic Sex Genie," "Latex Nurses," "Tails of Perversity 9," and "Boobs a Poppin' 4." He is also actor/director of "Sperm Sponges," "Scurvy Girls" and its sequel, "Scurvy Girls 2."

Before you ask, in case you suspect your girls have scurvy, check them for purplish spots on their legs, bleeding from the mucous membranes, and spongy gums leading to tooth loss. Treat the girls with fresh fruits and vegetables, particularly those high in vitamin C.

Case: closed.

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