Friday, January 19, 2007

Instruction: Public soiling for purposes of vengeance

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Motive: You have been wronged. You crave revenge.

Plan: You need a simple method of depositing a quantity of your shit somewhere public so the person who wronged you can find it, know it's yours, and be stunned into some mixture of revulsion, embarrassment, regret, impotent rage, begrudging respect.

Step 1. Understand something: Once you defecate on someone's property as revenge, there's probably no going back. In terms of casual, non-lethal vengeance, that's pretty much it. And it's not a thing worth doing if you crap at home or somewhere private and then tote the shit in a hidden bag to the public place and leave it there. It's cowardly. You will only feel better about yourself if you go directly and fruitfully on the person's property. Benefit: It usually gets your point across. and a public revenge-soiling often caps any further discussion or reply. Concerns: Any escalation beyond this level is officially Out Of Hand. You might want to weigh other options beforehand or what have you.

Step 2. Right, so now that you've decided to soil someone's property to revenge yourself, keep this plan on the QT, for Chrissakes. Resist the urge to brag to friends or strangers about how you're going to take a shit on somebody's car or van or at their place of work, or threaten the one being revenged upon with having their stuff be publicly defecated on. It's the same reason why magicians don't explain that in a few minutes they're going to do this cool trick where they make the lady in the sequined bodice appear to levitate using a hidden bar. They just do it, the audience goes with it, and everyone ends up happy.

Step 3. Pick your target. Home? Office? Vehicle? Is there a particular location with shared history and gravity and import vis a vis your desire for revenge? Is there a certain object you think would be worthwhile to receive the full or at least partial brunt of your displeasure? If this object's not already where you want it, is it liftable? Note also: you can use metaphors. Like, let's say you want to shit on someone's piano, but you also want to shit on his front porch. If you can reasonably move his piano to the front porch and shit on both there, go ahead. But more likely it's piano or front porch. You could shit on his piano and leave a note near the shit saying, "Imagine this on your front porch." That'd work, I guess. Or you could simply shit on the front porch on top of a sheaf of piano sheet music or a little toy piano and hope the full meaning carries the resonance you're going for or whatever.

Step 4. Calculate very carefully when you'd like to revenge yourself. I'm talking time of day, date, with or without him/her around. Mostly, you'll want to do this kind of thing by yourself, so it's a surprise. So you'll have to know his/her habits. Calculate wrong and you risk exposure. Unless that's your thing. That could be part and parcel of the whole deal. In that case, extra points if the person being revenged upon actually sees you doing it. More extra points if you stare him down at the time.

Step 5. Do you have the time and place and objects all squared away? Double-check your work, then check it again. You're still well into bail-out territory.

Step 6. Eat. Be creative.

Step 7. Proceed to the place where you intend to divest yourself of your harsh feelings at the time you've calculated. Then be honest with yourself about how good your aim is, make the necessary adjustments, and gauge your target. Obviously, I'm skipping the step where you make sure you actually have to shit. If your plan has made it this far, that should be pretty goddam well understood. Why the hell would you approach your target with the full intention of unburdening yourself of a heap of smoldering rage if you don't really have to go? The human body just doesn't work that way—it's not like giving a urine sample, where the pump's always primed. Trust me. You're going to be very embarrassed if you show up at his office after dark, pick the lock, place that kitten calendar of his on the desk, squat over it, and, so to speak, the mission gets scrubbed for lack of funding. You go home feeling pretty small. Even worse, imagine if you get ballsy about it and say, "That's it, Ryan—here's what I think of your stupid kitten calendar," and right then and there unbutton your jeans and attempt a spur-of-the-moment revenge-defecation, except you don't really have to go, and you end up staring at his jowly, horrified face with your pants down while you try desperately to make something happen. All red in the face. Veins sticking out in your neck. Like you're wringing out the last bead from a gnarled, six-month-old tube of toothpaste. That's not only embarrassing—it's bad for your health, forcing like that. Ask any doctor. And never mind not actually shitting. It's almost worse, I'd guess, if you manage to eke out a tiny nugget. It's like, why did you even bother? Why go to the trouble if that's all you can manage? All that foofaraw for that? Pathetic.


Anonymous said...

Dan Medeiros said...

Thanks! Here's the full address, in case you're interested in finding out what happens when enterprising go-getters take my advice:

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