Saturday, August 07, 2004

It's hyp to be nosis

Like it? 
You are getting sleepy. You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids feel heavier and heavier. You are wicked tired, way more tuckered out than anyone has ever been in, like, the history of sleepiness. You are ready to fall into a deep, refreshing slumber wherein you will allow me access to your subconscious mind. I will supplant your free will with my own fiendish commands while you snooze away, my toothsome little macaroon. Sleep...sleep...

But first! Read this column!

I was checking e-mail the other day, pitchforking literally hundreds of junk messages for naked this and bigger that into the trash.

In the process, I came across a curious message advertising "mind-control software." I clicked on it. Something made me do it -- some voice deep in my subconscious.

The Subliminal Recording System is a program to make CDs with subliminal messages playing under music. You can use it to hypnotize yourself into eating less, or you can improve your confidence or rid yourself of bad habits. Like buying phony software, presumably.

"Take Control of Your Life Today Before This Software is BANNED Forever," writes the capital-letter-obsessed e-mail author. "Attract the Opposite Sex. Help Family & Friends. Improve Your Relationships." For best results, hypnotize yourself into forgetting you're trying to hypnotize yourself.

It all seemed a bit hokey, and I was wondering if it was the real deal until I caught sight of a helpful message: "THIS IS THE REAL DEAL." Seemed honest enough.

Believe it or not, there's a dark side to implanting hidden instructions in people's brains. The e-mail coyly hints at it: "Make Them Do What You Want."

If you've seen the recent blockbuster movie remake "The Manchurian Candidate," you know what I'm talking about. I recently saw the 1962 version of "The Manchurian Candidate." It stars Laurence Harvey as a Korean War veteran brainwashed by the communists to be a political assassin, facilitating a communist takeover of America. Harvey is programmed to follow any order, up to and including strangling his friends. Frank Sinatra co-stars as a smooth-talking Italian crooner who teams up with his gang of wiseacre friends -- Dino, Sammy, Joey, Pete and Ann Margaret -- to foil the fiendish plot in time for the 8 p.m. floor show at Caesar's Palace.

So I researched the Subliminal Recording System's Web site to find if I could use it to brainwash people into doing my bidding.

Like, what if I wanted my wife to pass the salt shaker, but I felt strange just flat-out asking? Or, say I wanted somebody strangled? Not that I want anybody strangled at the moment. But let's say I did. Would it be worth the $69.95?

I combed through the Web site for testimonials from Manchurian communist agents trying to infiltrate the U.S. government, because I figured they'd know all about this software.

Unfortunately, it seems the program is really designed more for quitting bad habits and such. There's no mention of strangulation at all, in fact.

That's more of a job for a different, even crazier mind-control computer program I found online at Tele Hypnosis Pro.

"Remote mind control is now possible with the most advanced radionics software: Tele Hypnosis Pro," the Web site says in cheerfully broken English. "Tele Hypnosis Pro is a superb program which you will control subconsciously other persons to get they make what you wish. It works for the most of people!!!"

Yes, friends, this is the Cadillac of mind-control computer software. With Manchurian communist brainwashers, it's Tele Hypnosis Pro 2-to-1. You can use it simply to improve yourself, if you like -- but take a gander at what else it does:

"Spiritual protection against hexes, curses, bad eye, black magic, etc. ... become younger innerly and outerly ... induce the goodness in perverse minds ... protection against fire, building and edification's colapses. ... to block the attacks of enemies."

I know what you're thinking: What's the difference between hypnosis and tele hypnosis? You big silly! "First and obvious difference is that the hypnosis is a direct physical technic accessing to the subconscious mind of the object using the physical sense of the object; in the opposite Tele Hypnosis works remotely with neither direct stimules nor physical use of the senses. ... If there was physical transmission of the commands, then, you would need the previous authorization of the person and to notify previously the contents of the induction." That clear it up for you?

Tele Hypnosis Pro costs a little more than Subliminal Recording System: $99. But does buying a mind-control program on the cheap give you "plentiful crops in agriculture and farming"? Does it "improve women's fecundity"? Does it "help to understand divine rules, laws and how works the cosmic machinery"?

No, no and not even close.

I'm not sure how to use the software, actually. I downloaded the instruction manual, but I may need to have an ex-hippie translate it into English for me: "A planetary kamea (magick squares) can be written on the reverse of the paper (in the opposite side to where you have written the mantra)," it says.

About this time, I was wondering who would fall for this stuff. Then I noticed that Tele Hypnosis Pro has a Web site where users can share their thoughts or ask questions. Yes, there are actual users of this product.

One person was having difficulty using Tele Hypnosis Pro to conjure piles of money.

A helpful friend replied, "If you want to manifest something, you must magnetise it into your reality. Money doesn't actually exist, so it is difficult to magnetise directly; it is merely an agreed fable. Better to directly wish for that which you want to gain with 'money' -- cut out the middle man."

It made a degree of baffling logic until it got to that business about money not existing -- I counted seven Agreed Fables in my wallet that sure as hell seemed to exist to me.

Another guy wrote in and said he was trying to persuade a woman to love him with the power of tele hypnosis and Microsoft Windows:

"I have been using (Tele Hypnosis Pro) for about 6 months now, but it does not seem to have any effect. ... Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated, as I am starting to get discouraged with the product." He probably hypnotized himself to have excellent patience, too.

"The woman is my ex-wife, if that has anything to do with it," he adds. I held my head in my hands. No one replied, but I have some advice for him: Get the holy fuck away from the computer, take the tinfoil off your head and run, do not walk, to the florist.

The whole thing left me a bit sadder and wiser, having learned two valuable lessons.

One, there's a reason why they call it "junk mail."

I can't recall the second right now. All I know is, there's a strange voice in my head urging me to send a check or money order for 99 Agreed Fables to, located somewhere in Manchuria.

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