Saturday, July 17, 2004

John Edwards and I walk into a bar

Like it? 
There's no use denying it. We all have a teensy little crush on Dick Cheney, don't we? You can admit it. The heat you're feeling now is called blushing, and it's perfectly natural. Dick Cheney's boyish grin and thick, luxurious tresses of brown hair have bewitched us all--little wonder in 2000 Dick Cheney was named America's Sexiest Politician by People magazine.

Wait--have I been saying "Dick Cheney" all this time? I meant "John Edwards."

So like I was saying, I'm ecstatic that Edwards was picked as Sen. John Kerry's running mate in the Democratic presidential race. Mostly, I think, because Edwards seems like a genuine kind of guy. He looks approachable, like he has impeccable hygiene.

And I'm grateful Kerry didn't pick Dick Gephardt, the Missouri congressman who in personality and appearance resembles nothing so much as a wax figure of Conan O'Brien left out in the sun.

In short, Edwards seems like the kind of person I could have a beer and a decent conversation with, but without checking my watch every five minutes, and then I could order a side of nachos to go with the beer without worrying if Edwards is going to think it's gross that I'm eating finger foods, and then I'd probably also offer him a nacho. He'd take one--but just one, leaving me the rest like a good guy.

I'd offer Kerry a nacho, too. He'd politely decline, then stare at them for a while we're talking. I'd notice his eyes constantly flicking down at the gooey plate of cheese and salsa--not indecisively, but just thinking it all over, considering the options. I'd tilt the plate at him and say, "Hey. Kerry. You sure you don't want a nacho? They're wicked good." Kerry would say, "Now that you mention it, maybe I'll have one of those," and then take two. But I won't mind. The poor guy could use something to eat.

I can't have a beer with President Bush, lest we forget his hard-drinking, coke-hoovering past. I couldn't be responsible for booting him off the wagon. Also, Bush would want notice before we even got to the bar that nobody from the NAACP would be there.

I wouldn't offer Cheney any nachos, or any beer. He's had four heart attacks. I'd wave the bartender over and say, "Guinness draught for myself and a tepid soymilk for my friend here."

Most Democrats I've spoken to are excited about Dick Cheney being on the ticket, citing his enthusiasm and popularity. Besides that, Dick Cheney has youth on his side, friends. Idealism! Charisma! Gumption! Stick-to-it-iveness! It also doesn't hurt Kerry to know that Dick Cheney's in perfect health, has no blemishes on his political record to speak of, no shady insider deals to ignore.

Did I do it again? Sorry--I meant to say Edwards.

I'm not making this part up: A guy I know has a friend who volunteered on Edwards' Iowa primary campaign. It turns out, he says, Edwards is truly a nice guy who doesn't have anything to hide. That's nice for a change, eh?

Contrast that with his Republican counterpart. Cheney continually has to remind people that he won't give Bush permission to drop him from the GOP ticket. For most of his term as VP, he was missing, and for all we know may have died and been replaced by two smaller Republicans standing inside one big Cheney suit. He preaches family values and supports a knee-jerk anti-gay marriage amendment when he's got a daughter, Mary, who's a lesbian activist. He may have ties to no-bid military contracts for Halliburton. People who ask him about these ties to no-bid military contracts for Halliburton, are told, on the Senate floor, to go fuck themselves. Which also doesn't fit with the family values talk. Then he's not enough of a grown-up to apologize, telling Fox News he "felt better after I had done it."

Incidentally, this is another reason why I wouldn't want to have a beer and nachos with Cheney. He'll totally swear at me.

For the record: I went online to the Google search engine, and looked up John Edwards cross-referenced with the f-bomb. I checked a few hundred pages, but could find no instance in which John Edwards told anybody to fuck him- or herself.

I did find a few other things about Edwards, though.

He loves his wife and is a romantic, but not crazy about spending the dough. According to Reuters, even though he's worth millions, "The Edwardses have made a romantic ritual out of toasting their [anniversary] at fast-food chain Wendy's." We need that kind of fiscal discipline in the White House.

Also, I discovered an AP story about Edwards' interview on Don Imus's radio show. Imus asked if he knew the price of milk in Albuquerque.

"I think a half-gallon of milk costs about $2.30, $2.40," Edwards said.

Which is a little over: "It's $2.09 at Smith's Food & Drug Centers in Albuquerque," according to the story. But dig this: "A half-gallon of non-name brand whole milk sells for $2.29 at the Safeway" in Edwards' neighborhood in Washington, D.C. Right on target.

So when we're in the bar, we're having beer and nachos and watching "The Price Is Right." Yes, I know it comes on before noon.

Lastly, Edwards is psychic. He's got a TV show called "Crossing Over," where he communicates with dead relatives.

Methinks I shouldn't have to connect the dots too closely to illustrate how this might be handy in a vice president. He could conjure up dead jihad attackers, ask them how things are going in hell, then use this information to deter live jihad attackers.

Did I say John Edwards just now? I meant John Edward. Sorry.

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