Saturday, March 13, 2004

Kerry-Bush: The golden ticket

Like it? 
I know I’m just a simple moptopped boy. I little understand America’s strange ways and customs. But riddle me this: How come picking a vice presidential nominee is such a delicate balancing act, full of backroom intrigue and mathematical equations — but the job is so confoundedly boring?

Earlier this week, a guy I work with and I were surfing the Internet — riding the crests of rumor, paddling across waves of bullshit, shooting through spiraling tunnels of poppycock — and he found an opinion piece on The Wall Street Journal giving Sen. John Kerry advice on his vice presidential nominee choice.

“If he wants to make a bold choice,” columnist John Fund wrote, “he will offer the job to retiring NBC anchorman Tom Brokaw.”

Yes — that Tom Brokaw.

He went on to write that since most people like Tom Brokaw, and he’s not really associated with any political agenda, he’d be the perfect vice presidential candidate.

Later on in the week, I read a poll published in the Associated Press that showed something like 30 percent of voters want Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina to be the Second Banana.

Still later, I read another AP story where John McCain, the Republican war-hero senator from Arizona, said he’d consider a vice presidential run with Kerry, if Kerry asks nice enough.

I’ve read various reports that President-elect Kerry (sorry) is considering no less than eight other people to share the rent and cable bill at the White House. Among them are Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York, Sen. Bob Graham of Florida, Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, Rep. Richard Gephardt of Missouri, and former Gov. Howard “How Weird” Dean of Vermont. Apparently, it’s a fairly easy list to get on. If Kerry’s heard of you, you’re probably on the list. You barely need any experience and you don’t even have to be a Democrat.

And with those reports and rumors come the political chess moves: Brokaw’s a nice guy that everyone trusts. McCain would lock up the veteran and swing Republican vote. Hillary Clinton’s good at bringing the women to the polls. Graham would help win Florida. The Southerners and poor people would vote for Edwards. Richardson’s long name fills out a bumper sticker nicely.

All this plotting and scheming, for what?

For the most uninteresting, powerless position in U.S. government.

If you haven’t taken a social studies class lately, let me remind you that the vice president of the United States has only one duty: Official Senate Chaperone. If there’s a tie in the Senate, the veep breaks it. Otherwise, the vice president is supposed to sit still and let the important people do their work.

Occasionally, vice presidents are asked to do menial errands, like buying the stamps and warming up the presidential limousine on cold days. Also, the vice president is expected to look vaguely official — there’s a dress code.

The lack of power a vice president holds begs two important but contradictory questions. Why would anybody interested in politics want this job? But knowing what we know about the laziness and lack of real-world experience intrinsic to most career politicians, why don’t more people run just for vice president?

If you ask me, there’s one person who fits the rather small shoes — or, frankly, the flip-flops — of vice president perfectly. If Kerry picked this person, everybody would be happy. I guarantee the entire nation would vote for Kerry, even the most bull-headed, Bible-waving Southern conservatives.

How about a Kerry-Bush ticket, friends? If Kerry could conceivably consider a Republican partner in McCain, why not the Republican?

President Bush has proved himself incapable of being a decent leader. He was never really elected, anyway. His manufactured war in Iraq is getting expensive — yet another example of how American manufacturing is going down the toilet. American corporations are taking jobs overseas with impunity. After Sept. 11, 2001, America had the sympathy and aid of nearly every other nation in the world — less than a year later, the big fucking meatball’s “us or them” attitude turned it into widespread contempt and mistrust. The economy’s in the dumps, except for those making $200,000 or more a year. He’s unconcerned that millions of people have become unemployed with no hope for the future. The man reads at an embarrassingly low grade level. He’s been a failure at every job his family has ever found him. He doesn’t work after 5 p.m. and is proud of it. He once choked on a pretzel.

Long story short, since Bush seems determined to stick with this politics thing for a while, maybe he’d be better in a boring job where he can’t make decisions or hold any power.

At all.

Everybody wins under this plan. Kerry wins easily and puts America back on track. Democrats and Republicans can show their unity by working together. Bush can pretend he’s still in charge, but the beauty of it is, he won’t be. He can sit quietly in the Senate every day and do his coloring books.

It’d be a terrific job move for Bush. No skills required, good pay, easy hours, short commute. Lucky for him, there’s a spot opening up in November.

No comments:

Related Posts with Thumbnails